Full Metal Jacket

It's a Friday evening and I go to make myself a cup of tea. I notice a potent aroma from my rat's cage.

I track down the little guy and sniff him. Okay, good he smells fine. I am happy, because this means I don't have to wash Sparty. For those of you who do not enjoy the many benefits of being a rat owner, allow me to give you a rundown of the procedure:

1. Turn on water in sink
2. Track down the rat. What the cat-dominated media has tried to keep from us is the fact that rats are smart. They know instinctively when you are trying to bathe them. And they are good at hiding when they want to...
3. Shampoo the rat. This process requires at least a sweatshirt because he's smart enough to crawl onto your back where he is very, very, very hard to reach. He's gonna get traction--there are no two ways around that. You can, however, make sure that he does not get traction by digging his toes into your skin.
4. Rinse off the rat. This has all of the worst parts of the first three parts, with the added bonus that you will then have to deal with a soggy rodent hiding in your pillowcase.
5. Rebond with your offended pet. This involves much rubbing of his back and offers of conciliatory peanut butter.

And that's not even going into what you have to do to clean the sink...